Navigating adult independence can feel impossible when the expectation is to prioritize another's happiness constantly. If meeting my own needs is met with anger or resistance, how can I possibly discern what love truly is? What does it mean to be independent and loved for who I am without the pressure to conform to someone else's ideals?

I have spent far too long fighting for my rights, freedom, and the simple right to be myself. The constant struggle to break free from those who seek to control every aspect of my life has exhausted me. I am tired of contorting myself to please others to keep them content.

In my struggle, I continue to examine my family of origin and the programming that shaped my worldview. I have come to recognize the profound impact of childhood conditioning on my sense of self-worth and agency. I have navigated the complexities of my upbringing, scrutinizing the beliefs and behaviors instilled in me from an early age. I realized that I had internalized the notion that my primary role was to please others and that I was inherently at fault for any missteps or shortcomings. These internalized beliefs have made it difficult to set boundaries and determine what healthy relationships feel like.

As a child, I received directives that echoed with unwavering authority: "Be a good girl," "Do not question authority," and "Do as I am told." These directives, while well-intentioned, served to erode my self-trust and discourage independent thinking. I learned to prioritize external validation over intuition, believing what I was told rather than trusting what I saw or felt. These directives were compounded by staunch religious beliefs, reminding me that if I didn't conform, I would burn in hell.

Growing up in an authoritarian household where the indoctrination of religion was the norm, I found myself primed for mistreatment. The concept of obedience was drilled into my young mind, and any form of questioning was met with harsh punishments. As someone with an empathic nature, I often found myself taking on the guilt and shame of others, assuming that I was not good enough and needed to work harder to please those around me. This led to a constant feeling of inadequacy and a belief that I was not worthy of love or respect. Despite my best efforts to please others, I often found myself on the receiving end of harsh criticism and mistreatment, which only reinforced these negative beliefs about myself.

For me, navigating adulthood after experiencing childhood conditioning has been a significant challenge. It has been difficult to break free from the beliefs and behaviors instilled in me from a young age and to create new patterns of thinking and behaving. However, I am finding it easier to recognize unhealthy patterns as I pay closer attention to my body and my own wants and needs.

I am learning that relationships are not about sacrificing myself to appease another person. I do not need to stay in places that do not see my value. I refuse to be confined to rooms or situations where my freedom is restricted simply because someone else feels entitled to hold me there. My desires, interests, and passions don't have to align with someone else's expectations. I refuse to be labeled as selfish or untrustworthy for wanting autonomy.

Learning to trust my intuition and prioritize my needs over the expectations of others has required me to choose myself, even when it doesn't feel good. In the face of blame-shifting, gaslighting, denial, and false promises, I have been required to set boundaries, communicate assertively, and say 'no.' It requires courage, resilience, and a willingness to embrace uncertainty.

As I grow, I continue to discover that I possess the capacity to rewrite my story and challenge the limitations imposed upon me. Through self-interrogation and reflection, I began reclaiming my autonomy and nurturing a sense of self-trust grounded in authenticity.